It seems crazy to type a post at 2 in the morning yet I should be asleep to grab much as I can while Madi is asleep and with her waking up super early for feeding time.
I have been reading through people's blogs and I admit that Im such a curious person to look at other people's life but lately the blogs are constantly of kids and their milestones. It made me think more than before.
I laid on my bed with Big(my husband) telling him how I think. He really said something stupid that made me feel so devastated because he was joking about that issue which it is not.
The thought that has been nagging at me. Let me tell you from the beginning then perhap youll understand why.
My parents has never expected in million years to have a deaf baby. They had no idea what will happen. When I was born, I was born strong and healthy with no problems so they assumed I am one little perfect baby when they brought me home. My first night there, I slept through the night when I was only 24 hours old that caused my parents to worry because it is not "normal" in their decade. Months later, I thrive to be one of happiest baby they ever seen. They noticed somethings odd but doesnt bother them. 18 months later, with my moms being pregnant with my little brother and was putting me in a bath, trying to get me to say something. Let me tell you, I accomplished everything else on the milestone such like crawling, rolling, eating and such. One BIG MILESTONE is saying first word. She was teaching me a word, "HOT" because I was in the bathtub. I did try to copy the mouth movement from my mom but no sounds came out. She knew I was deaf but was worried to see if there is something else so she took me to the doctor. The doctor said, she is just normal baby with profound loss. My mom was so happy and has no problem dealing with it along with my dad. My dad may have hard time learning sign language because it is "foreign language" to him. While I was growing up, I was one happy kid and I dont remember what I said or what I did but from what I heard from my mom. She said that I hated being deaf.
Let me tell you, I grew up in hearing family, community, church, sports team, and more. From my understanding of what my parents telling me is that I truly hated being deaf and was embrassased. Is that silly to think at young age?
I do have problem accepting my deafness so I refused to let myself be dumb the way other people think. I can not stand to lose an argument, even with my husband. I can not admit it that I was wrong because I was afraid that theyll think Im not smart. I did not want a help from anyone because I want to PROVE that I can do it. In realistically, I cant!
I am a mother to beautiful 4 months old daughter. She is one happy baby and I couldnt trade anything for her. Right now, she is learning everything even cooing, babbling, ahhing and more. I can not hear her do this and that. That made me sooo sad! I didnt even know that she did that already before or anything just because I can not hear. It greatly bothers me a lot because I want to be able to join her in joy to accomplish something that is a milestone for each parent.
I remember one day when Big and I were married and were living with Big's sister and brother in law right after the wedding for couple of months. His sister was pregnant as well. I do love her very much but that particular day, she said something really stupid that caused me in uproar with anger. She has little girl, 2 years old and a boy she babysit for a couple around 18 months old. The kids wants to go out and play. She just said indirectly, "I dont want Rachel to watch the kids because what if she cant hear the kids outside and they got hurt?" That stung me so bad. I practically yelled at Big about how I feel. He was trying to calm me down and said she didnt meant to. I am constantly dealing with my deafness everyday. I really hate it but I always try so hard to hide it so I dont have to think about it.
Bless those women who do the blogs who posted about their kids' accomplishments and such. It is bittersweet and a joy too. I hoped it will be for me but I longed to hear my baby girl's laugh, coos, ahhs, and more!
Its funny for people to think I am such a HAPPY person but doesnt know there is another side of me that they truly didnt know?
I hope my baby girl knows that I truly love her very much and wanted the best for her. I am so glad she chose me to be her mommy yet there will be challenges ahead for both of us.
I think I will try to go and get some zzzzs.
